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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Warrior

So many times I've wasted,
Many days had gone by
Still I don't know which is drifted
In the valley of questions and unspoken lies.

At first I deem in the magic of words,
In tales and mysteries of the fathomable world,
But how could I still be; now that I rouse.
No one answered, even a single moan.

And now, oh now! I'm walking alone
Struggling for an answer; fighting for a horde!
'How long shall I take to finish this course?'
I can see it lucidly: the gist is unknown!

Still I stand with a grandeur dream
Strong and firm in the temple of kings.
With a shield and a sword that are built from within:
No one can ever take it away from Calvin.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Who Am I?

Who is
Harold Paz?

Once upon a time, there was a wonderful, smart, goodlooking, and charming loner who was slaving away in a sea of blue cubicle walls in a barren wasteland, speaking scripted words and taking in calls for impatient aussies.

30% Chinese. 20% Espaniol & 100% PINOY! A pinch of italian seasoning mixed with spanish salt and poured in a Filipino pot.

I'm the kind of guy that makes you wish you never had one.! I'm a man Being a man, I'm many things, but I'm not a therapist, ATM, financial planner, teacher  and certainly not a doormat. I do not tolerate disrespect of myself, my time or my property. However, what I am is a man on a journey. I view my life as a long drive: I'm in the driver's seat, I know where I'm going and why I'm going there. Before I can allow someone into the passenger seat, they need to know two things. First, this odyssey continues with or without them. I learned a long time ago that one must always remain true to one's self and forge an independent path. Thus, I will not change my goals, values or ideals for anyone but myself. Secondly, if they don't like where our adventure leads us, then they must have the courage to let me know so that we can part with mutual respect and understanding as opposed to the bitterness and animosity caused by allowing the discontentment to fester. I consider myself outgoing, sensitive (high emotional intelligence), adventurous, adaptable and funny. There's many more adjectives but this little box cant encapsulate all of them without seeming wordy and ego-centric. I realized at a relatively early point in my life that I want to live without regrets. I don't want to look back at my teen years when I'm collecting social security and think to myself, "shoulda woulda coulda".

I am a strange person, I am always at my best when things are worst :) I am quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, I am not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. I am extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and I allow only a special few into my inner world. Like a wary animal, I am cautious and mistrustful of those I do not know until I "sniff them out". I may not have many friends, but the ones I have are true and loyal, like myself. I'll risk much for those I consider worthy of friendship, but cares little or nothing for those I consider lower than myself. Some call it selfishness, but in reality it's selectivity. There is no shade of gray. Once you've gained my trust, you've won ME forever--unless you hurt me in some way.

Then I can become mean, vindictive, and will attempt to get even. Never, never lie to me, or I'll cut you off. I am a passionate lover, and can also be jealous or possessive. I like to be alone with my thoughts as much as I like to share others company.They say I am enigmatic and mysterious. I am not interested in the sayings of others which is why my relationships run so deep. I relish privacy and can take a secret to the grave. I accept what others find unacceptable because It is ok for me to be scared. I tend to become narrowly focused upon my own specialized interests and may not have much to say or communicate outside that field. I have great intuition and I am susceptible to the feelings of others. While other people may forgive and forget, I believe in striking back when I am hurt. Once I love, I will defend and protect.

I can be the most passionate, magnetic all-consuming partner you have ever known. :) Don't even think about arousing my jealousy, either intentionally or thoughtlessly. I could lash out violently, becoming angry or overly possessive. Accuse me of being faithless or toying with your feelings and i will take it as an insult.. i am not that weighty,. although I can be...

I'm a decent guy who likes to laugh. I deal with heavy issues on my own and at my leisure and prefer to just focus on enjoying myself and the people I'm with. No drama! I don't like mind games and although I'm polite and well-mannered I have a hard time with fake people or people who are rude or irritable. I don't judge, I just know who I like to hang with.

I've reinvented myself to meet challenges, to keep up with the changing times or simply to break out of a rut. While many people fear change, I embrace it. I've stood up to the world with family, with friends and on my own. I've bared my soul and have come out a better man. Facing the unknown tests the innermost depth..

" I am more than the blue walls that surround me!"


I'm Harold Quero Paz. And I flaunt it.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Conscious Attention

There is a meditation exercise which consists of adding – generally for ten minutes a day – the reasons for each of our actions. 
For example: “I now read this blog because I saw a link in Facebook or Twitter. I now think of such-and-such a person, because the subject I read about lead me to do so. I walked to the door, because I am going out”.
And so forth.

Buddha called this “conscious attention”. When we see ourselves repeating our ordinary routine, we realize how much wealth surrounds our life.
We understand each step, each attitude.
We discover important things, and useless thoughts.

At the end of a week – discipline is always fundamental – we are more conscious of our faults and distractions.

But we also understand that, at times, there was no reason to act the way we did, that we followed our impulses, our intuition; and now we begin to understand this silent language which God uses in order to show us the true path. 

Call it intuition, signs, instinct, coincidence, any name will do – what matters is that through “conscious attention” we realize that we are often guided to the right decision.

And this makes us stronger.


Friday, June 10, 2011

A Fragile Life

"From the lowest depths,
   there is a path to the loftiest height.
The tendency to persevere, to persist
   in spite of hindrances, discouragements,
and impossibilities-
   it is this in all things that distinguishes
the STRONG SOUL from the weak."
             -THOMAS CARLYLE

Have you ever wonder how it feels to be very much frustrated in getting those things that will bring color and beauty to your life? It's like you're buried ten meters deep below the earth's crust and you're really trying your dumb hardest just to get out, to reach the top and feel the very essence of mankind.

You want it.

Yes you definitely want it for you know that it will satisfy you, and the point of losing it will disturbed every bit of nerve in your body.

But what if it was a mistake? Perhaps, indeed.

A part of me longs for it, while the other half is fighting so hard not to take the courage of doing it.

Yesterday I'm thinking as if it was the first or the last day of my life, for it was the moment when I have taken the chance of fulfilling this things that I longed for.

Yes, I had made it!

And now I am regretting everything as if it was the biggest mistake I've ever done in my entire life, because now I know that I've quit myself for taking such risk for I hold on much harder to what I believe is right.

But I have neglected it...
...and it kills me!

Today I think it was another morning, not so typical yet so fragile. I don't know why I described it as fragile, still I insist it was a fragile morning. The air was blowing so lightly, so helplessly like you can hardly feel it touching your bare skin. The cloud was thick and it brought a little splash of rain shower this morning. Yes, the sky was filled with clouds but the sudden light of the sun was forcing its own courage to brighten the early Sunday morning.

My first morning of lucidity.

The start of the new chapter of my life. And this morning, perhaps defines my inherent personality... FRAGILE. Like one thing could change everything. One great thing can shatter me into pieces.

And today, as I face the horizon, I assumed that a breath in a single minute will change everything in me. Twenty-four years, I think sometimes, and despite my own acceptance of the truth I am now knocking at the door of maturity, the period of early adulthood. I wonder if this is how it is for everyone my age.

At this moment I persevere to answer a single question before it leaves me hanging into nothingness. 

What is Life?

For me it is the easiest thing to deal with yet the hardest word to define. Maybe because life doesn't begin with once-upon-a-time, and ends with a happily ever after. Life was not a fairy tale and it was not that simple. In fact I'm trying almost everything just to give it a pervert definition. But it's hard looking for specifics and much harder to find the real meaning. Maybe because that's what life really is. A single-word which elucidates infinity that cannot be measured by any numerical probability.

It's rude eventually, but for me, life is like masturbation. It begins with a single touch, light and speeds momentarily, enters the world of vivid fantasy, lurks a sudden felicity, releases a gasp of integrity, reaches the peak of orgasmic imagery, and ends with a lucid moan of satisfaction.